Tag Archives: humor

GO TO HELL? BEEN THERE, DONE THAT…

Aging space probe records odd emanations on Mercury

Aging space probe records odd emanations on Mercury

NASA/Johns Hopkins University Applied Physics Laboratory/Carnegie Institution of Washington

Aging space probe records odd emanations on Mercury
Rich oversees Science‘s international coverage.

Staff Writer

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an unusual press conference here today, NASA released a batch of bizarre sound recordings and video from the Messenger spacecraft moments before it impacted the surface of Mercury. Scientists are struggling to decipher what the data mean, but some contend they sound like human voices crying out in agony.

Messenger had been orbiting Mercury since 2011, but it used up nearly all of its propellant and was drifting closer to the surface of the planet. So last week, NASA officials decided to point the probe nose downward for a controlled crash. “We were hoping it would kick up some soot for spectroscopic analysis,” says Messenger Principal Investigator Angra Mainyu, a planetary scientist at Columbia University. Just what it did find instead is not entirely clear.

At the press conference, Mainyu played grainy recordings of what sounded like anguished voices in various languages. And she showed even grainier images of what appeared to be writhing figures. When asked by a reporter how NASA interpreted the data, Mainyu shrugged her shoulders and said, “How the hell should I know?”

Reactions to the news were swift and, in some cases, decisive. Welcoming what he called “ineluctable evidence of hell,” Father Felix Flammis, a spokesperson for the Vatican Observatory in Italy, said: “This wonderful discovery shows that science and religion can work together to discover the truth.” But Richard Dawkins, the famed evolutionary biologist and atheist, rejected the finding. “This is clearly a bunch of drivel,” he says. “Wind whistling past the spacecraft, electronic noise—there obviously has to be some other explanation.” Even if the evidence holds up, he quips, “proof of the devil ain’t the same as proof of God.”

The findings are somewhat of a surprise, because Venus had long been the leading contender, in our solar system at any rate, for harboring Hades. With a mean surface temperature of 462°C, an oppressive atmosphere, and sulfuric acid rains, it certainly seems to fit biblical descriptions. “Plus, it’s much closer to Earth, so lost souls would be only a hop, skip, and a jump from hell,” says Thor Kölski, an astrophysicist at the University of the Valkyrs in Reykjavik. Kölski has pinpointed the likely epicenter of hell as Venus’s Ganiki Chasma, a rift zone where infrared flashes were first observed last year—phenomena that he asserts are new arrivals to the underworld.

Still others think there may be multiple hells within our solar system. “Everything we know about string theory tells us that the ‘Many Hells theory’ isn’t only plausible, it highly likely,” says Franklyn Stein, a theoretical physicist at University College London.

Luminaries in the scientific community are by and large embracing the notion of hell. Even Stephen Hawking is on board. The cosmologist stirred controversy in 2010, when he wrote in his book The Grand Design that “[i]t is not necessary to invoke God to light the blue touch paper and set the universe going.” Earlier today, Hawking tweeted: “The devil is a different story. All hail Messenger!”

The discovery should provide a major shot in the arm to NASA, whose fortunes in Washington have faded since it retired the space shuttles in 2011. “This is a proud day for the space agency,” says Don Tey, a spokesperson for the Planetary Society in Pasadena, California, who insists that it’s merely a coincidence that the announcement was made on April Fools’ Day. “Congress told NASA to go to hell, and, by Jove, they made it.”

Posted in Space

DISNEY (RE)DOES BAMBI

Lol!

DIE TECHNIKER IST KAPUT!

This was absolutely freakin hilarious. I laughed for a long, long time…

So last month, an electric door at the University of Mainz in Germany broke down.

So last month, an electric door at the University of Mainz in Germany broke down.

Frankenstone3D / Via imgur.com

“BROKEN. The technician has been informed.”

The next day the door wasn’t fixed: “Technician also broken.”

The next day the door wasn't fixed: "Technician also broken."

Frankenstone3D / Via imgur.com

Then a second notice appeared, referencing a contestant on the German version of Wife Swap. It reads: “Everything stays exactly the way it is!”

Then a second notice appeared, referencing a contestant on the German version of Wife Swap. It reads: “Everything stays exactly the way it is!”

Frankenstone3D / Via imgur.com

And suddenly the meme floodgates opened.

And suddenly the meme floodgates opened.

Frankenstone3D / Via imgur.com

Frankenstone3D / Via imgur.com

Frankenstone3D / Via imgur.com

Frankenstone3D / Via imgur.com

Frankenstone3D / Via imgur.com

Frankenstone3D / Via imgur.com

A day later, and the university’s meme lovers had left the door looking like this.

A day later, and the university's meme lovers had left the door looking like this.

Frankenstone3D / Via imgur.com

Frankenstone3D / Via imgur.com

Frankenstone3D / Via imgur.com

Frankenstone3D / Via imgur.com

Frankenstone3D / Via imgur.com

Frankenstone3D / Via imgur.com

Frankenstone3D / Via imgur.com

Frankenstone3D / Via imgur.com

Frankenstone3D / Via imgur.com

Frankenstone3D / Via imgur.com

Frankenstone3D / Via imgur.com

Frankenstone3D / Via imgur.com

Frankenstone3D / Via imgur.com

Frankenstone3D / Via imgur.com

Three days later, and the door still wasn’t working. In fact it looked like this.

Three days later, and the door still wasn't working. In fact it looked like this.

And then – OMG. The memes had gone. GONE.

And then – OMG. The memes had gone. GONE.

Frankenstone3D / Via imgur.com

But one lone memeist decided to hold firm against the unknown meme removers.

But one lone memeist decided to hold firm against the unknown meme removers.

Frankenstone3D / Via imgur.com

Frankenstone3D / Via imgur.com

Frankenstone3D / Via imgur.com

Frankenstone3D / Via imgur.com

Frankenstone3D / Via imgur.com

Frankenstone3D / Via imgur.com

Frankenstone3D / Via imgur.com

Frankenstone3D / Via imgur.com

The university dean could obviously take a joke. He thanked the memeists for their creativity, but said they sadly had to be removed due to fire regulations.

Then came a note PROMISING that the technician had been informed, but they were just waiting on a single technical part, which would be there in a few days.

Then came a note PROMISING that the technician had been informed, but they were just waiting on a single technical part, which would be there in a few days.

Frankenstone3D / Via imgur.com

Frankenstone3D / Via imgur.com

Brandschutzvorschriften = fire safety regulations, of course.

But the memes continued to build…

But the memes continued to build...

Frankenstone3D / Via imgur.com

…and build…

...and build...

Frankenstone3D / Via imgur.com

Frankenstone3D / Via imgur.com

Frankenstone3D / Via imgur.com

Frankenstone3D / Via imgur.com

“If the door fails, Europe fails.”

Frankenstone3D / Via imgur.com

Frankenstone3D / Via imgur.com

Frankenstone3D / Via imgur.com

Frankenstone3D / Via imgur.com

Frankenstone3D / Via imgur.com

Until finally: It was repaired!

MY GUIDE TO LOLDOM, AND HOW TO USE YOUR LOLS/LOLZ FOR GREATEST ACCURACY AND MAXIMUM EFFECT

Most people use the term LOL, or Lol, very loosely. Including myself, of course.

It can, depending on who is writing it, mean a number of different things depending upon what the LOL-user finds humorous and why. For instance you can Lol at someone or someone’s action(s) or comment(s) because you found them genuinely funny, charming, ironic, or even idiotic.

Since writing tends to have far less communicative context than personal and oral communications (when and where you can read body language, facial gestures, etc.) it can often be difficult to understand why someone is “lolling” on the internet (or in any written communication), or to express your own “Lols/Lolz” accurately in a way you can be sure will be properly understood (from your point of view).

To make matters worse many of the add-on acronyms which seek to explain why you are lolling can often result in a long string of unnecessary letters which clarify to some degree the nature of the lol (ROFLMAO) but do nothing to explain why you are lolling, or at whom. And since we are living in the Age of the Acronym (or Anachronym*, take your pick) then simplicity should rule.

So, this morning on my walk with my dog, I decided I would devise a very simple and straight-forward and accurate key for lolling that explains in a very few letters why you are lolling and at what or whom. Therefore, below, you will find my guide to precise LOLDOM.

THE KEY OF LOL:

Alol – I am laughing about or at it/them/you, because it/they/you are foolish and a moron.

Nalol – Yes, what you just did or said does indeed make you a moron, and so I still feel compelled to laugh at loud, but you are so naïve and so charming that I am laughing as much for you as at you.

Elol – I am laughing enjoyably or in a friendly/good-natured manner with them/you because I fully understand and can relate.

Ilol – I am laughing in a manner which is fully cognizant of the irony, paradox, ridiculousness, or understatement of it all. (Sometimes also called the P-lol, or the Ulol.)

Slol – What you are is just plain silly.

And of course, the ever prevalent and super-charged Lollicopter.

Lollicopter/Lollycopter – I am laughing (or choking) out loud, over and over again, in a very vigorous rotary fashion, because it/they/you have proven to be a complete, intentional, and unrepentant idiot.
Now enjoy your day folks, and go forth and LOL. The world needs more lols. But now you can do so in a more accurate manner, of course.

* I accidentally invented the neologism Anachronym as a teenager. I meant to say it this time.